I’m not ready

for this.

So, we just came back from NC lastnight. I must admit: I hate the drive. I used to love road trips. But I am not loving it being pregnant. I have to pee all the time, and the public restrooms, blech. And the nauseau isn’t really easing up. It makes for a miserable trip.

But the good news is that we closed on our brand new townhouse yesterday. My hubby was so excited, as was I. This is the first new home for both of us. But my excitement is bittersweet. I don’t mind leaving afterall I have been looking for a way out of this city for so long. But, I’d rather be an hour away– instead of seven.

My mixed emotions are really playing themselves out in my dreams. The other night, I dreamt that I saw my once-best friend, Ashley. I walk up to her and she is holding a baby. “You have a baby?” I said to her. “Yep,” she says and kind of shrugs her shoulders. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you call when you were in the hospital?” And she says she was just too busy.

And who knows if the dreams are really about moving. I think they be more about my feelings of people in general…right now, at least. I feel like, everywhere I turn, people want to throw conditions on me. Like my old church, it was all about conditions. (You are my friend, because you joined my club.)

I told my husband lastnight that I want to meet new people who are just— genuine. That’s it. Since when did finding a genuine relationship become so rare? I just always thought people should all be the way I am. They should care. I mean, really care. Not this fake stuff.

Well, my prayer is that we find those truly genuine people in our new town. There are just a few people in my life that I consider to be genuine with me. People that kept the friendship when they moved on from “the club”, or even when I moved on from it.
L, R and G– it means a lot.

Thanksgiving

Right before Thanksgiving, I thought about sharing some of my more memorable Thanksgiving holidays, inlcuding the one when I was pregnant with my first child. I spent that Thanksgiving alone and with only a box of cheerios for my dinner. Then there was the time I spent Thanksgiving night in jail. But this Thanksgiving had its own drama.

So, it was the day before Thanksgiving. I watched my niece for my sister while she was at work. She called me to ask me if she could pick her daughter up 2 hours late so she could get her hair done. My husband had taken all the kids to see Chicken Little and ended up calling her. “Just come over here now and we’ll talk about it.”

So, she came over right before my husband walked in with the kids. The kids went upstairs to play and she laid down on the couch. I was talking to her when she turned her head and stared at the wall. And then she kind of rolled off the couch on to my floor. “What are you doing?” I asked her. And then I realized she was having a full out seizure. I screamed for my husband and called 911. Her whole body was shaking uncontrollably. It must have lasted at least 2 minutes.

So, the paramedics come and they remember her from 3 nights ago. She had just parked her car and was walking into Publix when the same thing happened…she had a seizure. So, they take her to the ER. I am riding in the front of the ambulance. She was in the back screaming and crying. “What is going on?” She couldn’t remember anything.

And since she had just been in the ER 3 days prior, they wrote a prescription for Dilantin and sent her on her way. We were only there for maybe 30 minutes. My husband came to pick us up. The kids (her daughter and my kids) were in the car. Her poor little daughter was just so relieved to see her mom.

“Let’s go get something to eat,” mu hubby says. “No, I have to get my hair done.”

“You are worried about your hair? You need to just relax. Just rest your body.”

So, they are going back and forth and I turn around to say something to her and she is having another seizure. She slumped over onto my daughter, who was in a car seat, and started throwing up on her. Peed her pants. Her daughter was crying, and just staring at her. I am screaming. “Take her back! Turn the car around. Run the red light!”

Total chaos.

And so they admitted her.

She spent Thanksgiving day in the hospital. They did a spinal tap and apparently she has viral meningitis. Isn’t that crazy? My husband was telling her to really think about her life and how God had saved it. Because people die from this. And if she had been driving when any one of those 3 seizures had happened, that would have been tragic.

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I think I am allergic to

this baby. Throwing up on the hour when I bypass the meds. And when I take them, I am no good to my kids. It is horrible. And talk about being emotional!

Today, I made it to Publix. I got the kids ready, took a shower and by the time I got my jeans on…I had exerted all the energy I had for one day. I laid back down and thought, this again. I forced myself out of the bed and into the car. I needed groceries desperately. Plus I had just had this dream about these chocolate striped cookies. I was on a mission to find them. (Yes, I have been having food dreams lately.) I have dreamt about pizza hut pan pizza (no sauce, pineapples and mushrooms) and sushi and now, those striped cookies.

So, I’m hunting down the cookies when my phone rings.

It is a girl I used to go to church with. “I just wanted to see how you were doing. I read your blog…people suck.” Well, that pretty much sums up what she had to say. So, I’m standing in the middle of Publix (still cookie-less by the way) and I start to cry.

“That means so much to me. You just have no idea.”

And since I am not showing yet, I don’t look like the emotional pregnant woman, I look like a crazy woman. Well, that one little phone call made a big difference in my day. And I almost gave up finding those cookies…

“I can’t find them,” I say to the kids.
When this man turns around. “What kind of cookies are you looking for?”
“I don’t know. I just know they are striped and chocolate.”
“Well, I worked for Keebler for 14 years. Those are Keebler Fudge stripes.”
And, as if on cue, he hands me a package of my striped, chocolate cookies.”

I never knew there were cookie angels:)

Late Friday afternoon,

I was so miserable that I looked up a list of doctors in my area who would take my insurance. I called everyone, until I finally found someone who could see me Monday! I was so happy b/c I knew I desperately needed help.

And so, I made it through Saturday. Barely through Sunday; I swear I threw up like 20 times. If I wasn’t throwing up, well I was either fighting it or had just finished. It was that bad. I would sip some gatorade, and throw up. It was so bad that, still, today my throat is burning and raw. Eww.

I made it to the doctor’s office this morning. Immediatly, when I got there, I threw up, again and again. They did an ultrasound. I saw the baby..or what will become my baby. What a miracle that a little blob of tissue is how it all starts out.

I saw the flicker of the heart beat, still too soon to hear. But I could see it. My doctor diagnosed me with “hyperemesis,” which simply means excessive vomitting. He prescribed Phenergan, and even though it is helping…it knocks me out. No good for my little kids. They are sure fending for themselves though. So, in just about 5 minutes, I will be out.

He also gave me my official due date: June 27. (My friend, Leslie’s birthday.)

Okay, make that 2 minutes.

I better go now.

How can you be 8 weeks pregnant 6 weeks after conc…

How can you be 8 weeks pregnant 6 weeks after conception? Anyone? This doesn’t make ANY sense to me. Wouldn’t that simple make you 6 weeks pregnant?

Yesterday afternoon, I was laying on the couch, wondering WHEN I would feel better. Please, please, please let it be soon! I looked up to see the perfectview of my daughter in the kitchen. She had dragged a chair in front of the sink and would climb up the chair, get a plate out the sink, then climb down it and place it in the dishwasher. She did this repeatedly until the sink was empty.

I saw big plates being laid flat on the top part of the dishwasher, and even a yogurt cup being placed in there. It was so cute. And then, she reached under the sink and grabs the dishwashing soap. Opens the spout thingy and pours it in. As she closes the door, it all falls out. I could see her expression. “What?!” And then she repeated it, smoothing the powder with her hands so it was just so. This time she closed the door really fast, and turned the dishwasher on. When I finally got up, I couldn’t believe it. My sink was empty. My dishes were clean.

Yesterday, I was dearly blessed by my girlfriend, Leslie, who called sometime in the morning to tell me that she would bring me AND THE KIDS whatever we wanted for dinner. What a blessing, since I had been feeling so sick. My poor kids had been in the house for like 3 days straight. So, she came after work with 2 big brown Publix bags filled with goodies to make smoothies. That is really all I could stomach. And frozen dinners for the kids (their choice.)

As she is making the smoothies, my sister wanders in. “Hey, I came to help you.” I look at her. “Aren’t you like 24 hours late?” This girl trips me out. The smoothie was sooo good. All I had eaten was 5 crackers that day, and so the smoothie helped a lot. I actually got something in my stomach. And I have tons more smoothie ingredients sitting in my freezer. Oh yes.

This morning, I was actually feeling ‘not sick.’ And so, I took my daughter to IHOP. My son was at my mother’s house. So, we get there and the smells….the smells! I ate about half of my strawberry pancakes (mmmmm) and sunny-side up eggs (which I have been craving, but they make me want to throwup..go figure.), and a large glass of overpriced OJ.

We had such a good morning, just laughing and talking. I love having a girl! The converstaion is always good. I decide to take her to ToysRus. And as I am pulling nto the parking lot, I feel it. “Uh Oh!” I say. I pulled all the way to the back of the parking lot, where there were a bunch of bushes and that was it! There I was, in ToysRus parking lot throwing up. Ugh. I made it inside anyways after gulping down the ever=present gatorade that is a fixture in my life these days.

We decide to go chek out Sear’s, and as we are leaving…”Uh Oh!” I try to drive as fast as I can out of that parking lot. In about 3 minutes, I made it home. Man, I just cannot deal with this. Blech.

Today was a repeat of yesterday, but worse. I once…

Today was a repeat of yesterday, but worse. I once again laid on my couch all day. Wasn’t able to hold anything down. And hubby had to leave, so he couldn’t help me out. My sister called to ask if I needed help, and said she would stop by after work. She never showed. My poor kiddies. The house was dark, and the blinds were still open. I made myself get up, turn some lights on, close the blinds, heat up a can of raviolis for the kids, clean the kitchen, get them ready for bed, and whew…lay back down again. Where is everyone when i need them? In the past few months, I have learned a lot about how “conditional” many relationships are…

So, my hubby took the kids to my mother’s house lastnight. She said she wanted to see them since we had been out of town all week. After dropping them off, he walks back into the house. I am in the kitchen and he stops at the counter top, kind of resting his arms against it. “Your mom was so mean to me,” he said.
“She told me I was taking her grandkids away and that I was making a mistake and that YOU didn’t even really want to go AND you were planning to cut the family off.”
“WHAT? I told you she was like that. I am not surprised.”

And then he gets a phone call from his grandmother, “Mama,” the one who raised him. “We are having another baby,” he says.

I am sitting on the couch beside him. And all I hear is trash talking. “Yo’ll crazy! All you can do is have a boy and a girl. Why you gonna have another one. Yo’ll don’t know what you’re doing!” (All we can have is a boy and a girl?! For real? I mean, I was thinking we had a third option!)

After he hangs up the phone, he says “I knew that was coming.”

Eh, who cares anyways? Aren’t we grownups here? It really doesn’t matter what they think. I’ve learned that when things are going good, they talk trash. When things are going bad, they talk trash. But when you need help, they are nowhere to be found anyways.

And that is why they don’t move me. I really have given up caring about what every else says. I truly have. And there is such freedom in that. Ijust don’t care anymore, because at the end of the day: where are they when I am throwing up, need someone to help me feed the kids. Well, they certainly weren’t here today, were they?

I CAN NOT DO THIS.

I can not be pregnant right now, not if I have to feel this way. I guess I can’t take this back, can I? Not that I would, but today I remembered everything that I had forgotten about being pregnant. I went to bed, throwing up, lastnight. I woke up, throwing up, this morning. And I laid on the couch in my husband’s boxers and white t-shirt all day long. The only time I got up is when I had to pee and throw up. Real sexy. Thank goodness hubby was home.

I finally JUST took a shower. I ate a yogurt and some crackers today. Hubby brought me some egg drop soup per my request, but it’s still sitting in the microwave. The smell of it already made me throw up. SIGH. Welcome to pregnancy, in my world. The first half, usually, is enough to make me say that I will never repeat the experience. But, somehow, the end product always makes me forget the sickness and pain and just the feeling of blegh.

You know, the emotional ups and downs, I can handle. But, being so sick that I cannot function…is just too much for me right now. Send some love my way.

WOW. I’ve been reading you for a while and never d…

WOW. I’ve been reading you for a while and never did I think I’d see such insensitive, stereotypical BS… WOW.
Daily Reader

Oh wow, i couldn’t believe what i just read. You are upset because your husband used his birth name???
I don’t care how “GHETTO”
his name may sound to you thats the name that God is going to call out for him on judgement day. So are you going to cringe then?
Your words were some of the most insensitive you could say to your significant other.
Before you jump down someones throat about something they had no control over, put yourself in thier shoes first instead of thinking about yourself.
God Bless.
LaQuantavious (Sarcasm)

Maybe I was being brave when I posted about my husband’s birthname. Or maybe not at all since I was in another state and had no way to see my comments. This was an e-mail post. But, I must be honest: This pregnant, hormonal woman is glad that I didn’t see the comments that day. I would have really had a fit. I am doing much better now, though, since I am in my own home, my own space.

But, I was expecting the comments. People always want you to be real, about your feelings. And I do that. And usually it is when I am keeping it real that I get these kind of comments. Obviously, they weren’t around for my “I can’t get in” post. That was a good one. And the comments were off the chain! Talk about pissing people off. I did. I even had one chick take me off of her blogroll because she was so offended that I, a white woman, WENT THERE.

Here is what I wanted people to take away from that post: my husband is embarrassed by his own name. That is why he doesn’t use it. Ever. Except for on legal documents. So, it’s not just me being selfish. In a way, I was bitter about it. He won’t even use his own name because of how crazy it sounds. And that is coming from him, not I.

All I can say is that I will not be passing the whole generational name thing down. Crazy white girl here breaking THAT cycle. Oh well. Take it as you will. And ofcourse in the end, it’s more about the man than the name. I’m just saying, THINK before naming your kid La’Zarreona La’eisha LaShay. Just think about the kid.

In response to my last post, a friend sent me this…

In response to my last post, a friend sent me this link:

 

http://www.mywebpal.com/news/partners/865/public/news673485.html

 

Scroll down to Ewing. Oh my.

 

I have been here for almost a week, and feeling miserable due to the pregnancy. I am supposed to be here another 2-3 weeks (!!) but lastnight, I begged my hubby to take me home. You know, when you’re sick, you need your own space. Right now we are staying with some people we know; they have 3 kids…and that makes a total of 5 kids. And my hubby goes to work all day and leaves me here with the kids, and the other kids (their mother homeschools them) So, I am not getting any down time AT ALL. Not to mention, I am stuck here with no car. (A recipe for misery.) Too much for one pregnant woman. So, since we already found our house..what’s the point of sticking around? When my husband gets off work today, he is taking me back. What a great husband. I will be watching the clock today. I need my own stuff, my own bathroom, my own bed!

Anyways, our official closing date will be the end of November. I can’t believe it. This is really making me emoitonal.

 

On another note, the kids are so excited about the baby. Lastnight, Naomi gave me my hug and kiss goodnight, and then ran back and said “Oh, the baby.” And kissed my tummy. How cute.

 

My next post should be from Florida. I will be so relieved. My own space!

 

 

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Stress

So, we finally put a contract on a home. I want so bad to get situated. We will be here for two more weeks, and normally I would be having a great time but I am sick from the pregnancy and extremely emotional. Do you know how hard it is to be sick in another person’s house? I want my own bed and my own bathroom. Ah well.

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