Lastnight, I kept dreaming about my sister and now…

Lastnight, I kept dreaming about my sister and now I am so emotional and sad this morning. The dream really didn’t mean anything significant other than it made me realize that I feel like I never got to really say goodbye. And now I am crying again.

In my dream, she had died but then when I got there, she somehow came back to life. And she hugged me and cried with me and kept saying “I love you so much.” We got to say goodbye, and then she died.

I hate that this happened. For the rest of my life, she will be my ever-elusive sister who I cannot quite touch or grasp. She will be in my thuoghts and in my dreams, but she will not be there the way I wish she was. And that is just so sad. Too sad. Enough for today.

Lazy, lazy weekend. Caught up on…some househol…

Lazy, lazy weekend.

Caught up on…some household chores, had hubby rearrange our entire bedroom and then made sure he was rewarded quite well for that. So, I once blogged about having food dreams with this pregnancy. Now, I am having sex dreams about my own husband. You’d think I’d just roll over or something instead of dreaming about it all night long. This morning after breakfast (biscuits, cheeses grits, scrambled eggs, Tropicana OJ…mmm)I had to ask him…Did we have sex this morning? He just laughed. “No, why you want to? Right now?” Okay, calm down buddy. And I told him about my dreams and well, that is all I had to do and then it was all over with. Mhm.

I’d call this a perfect weekend.

Oprah and James Frey…

On her show today, Oprah said she was “embarrassed and disappointed” by the revelation that pieces of James Frey best-selling book, “A million little pieces,” were embellished.

The man who conned Oprah, now becomes the man who “embarrassed” Oprah.

The show had me on the edge of my seat. The look on Frey’s face made me feel almost sorry for him. Oprah questioned him about various details of the book, including how one of the characters committed suicide (“Lilly” did not hang herself; she actually cut her wrists.), the claim that he had two root canals without anesthesia (he says it is how he remembers it, though he cannot call it the truth.), the number of days he spent in jail (oops…he didn’t actually spend 87 days in jail, as claimed in the book. He spent only hours in jail.)

Oprah told Frey that she felt “duped” by him.

He stammered over his own words. What could he say? It was obvious. He lied. The truth was that he hadn’t told the truth- not completely.

While I do not agree with the lack of ethics involved in his so-called “memoir”, I cannot call it all bad. The book was phenomenal and has apparently changed lives. With the news of his embellishments, will the book become irrelevant to those dealing with addiction?

The book has been used as a tool to give people hope- hope that if this man can endure, then anyone can. So, if what he truthfully endured changes, does the power of the message change too?

I’ve been meaning to post this. So, right as we …

I’ve been meaning to post this.

So, right as we were pulling up into the parking lot for my doctor visit, that song came on. (I can only imagine.) I had to take a deep breath, what timing. I was on the verge of tears when I walked in the office. They took me straight back to the sonogram machine. The radiologist began from the top of the baby and slowly made her way down. I was so anxious to find out. And Naomi was beside me.”I hope it’s a girl!” she whispered to me. Spinal cord- check. Brain- check. This and that- check.

I was overwhelmed seeing the little baby, he was moving just a little bit. It was the first time I had really seen him look like a baby. The first sonogram only revealed a little sac.

“So , you want to know what it is?”

We were on the edge of our seats. “Well, there it is. It’s a boy.”

Christian jumped up and down, daddy smiled proudly and I did too. Naomi’s tears began immediatly.

“I’m not very happy with this,” she announced. “It’s not fair. It’s because Christian was praying that it would be a boy. That’s what happened.”

“Well, you prayed too, Naomi,” I said.

“Yeah, but sometimes I forgot. And when I forgot, he kept praying. Not fair,” she replied.

(I guess in her mind, God tallied the prayers and in the end, Christian had more. ) Kids are so funny. Here are the pictures I took right after we found out. They just crack me up.

I’ve been okay lately. Just okay. Functioning, rea…

I’ve been okay lately. Just okay. Functioning, really. With small children around, there is hardly much time to even think. I think that has saved me- saved me from feeling. This afternoon, I dropped my kids and M off at the gym and explored new territory. I made it through a maze of little shops that hid behind neighborhoods that looked all alike. I flipped on the CD player, and my sister’s CD played. That song came on- Bridge over troubled water- and I thought, I can’t do this, I can’t feel this. And then, I just let go. I let myself do it, I let myself feel it. And it hurt so much.

Just the thought of not seeing her, at least as long as I am living, is just too much. That is a kind of hurt that I have never felt in my life. I sat there in the parking lot of that grocery store, put my shades on and just cried and cried and cried. I cried so hard that I had to catch my breath. It was too much. Too much pain. I was so overwhelmed by sadness. I thought if a stranger came up and wanted to console me, I would be happy with it and I would probably throw myself in their arms because I just needed that so bad…no matter who from.

I imagined that people noticed me sitting there, sobbing, and thought I was probably just a woman who broke up with her boyfriend or something. I smirked, because I have seen women crying before, in their cars, and thought the same.

You know, my heart literally cannot feel this much pain and I guess that’s why I don’t feel it all the time. There are days when I forget. And then I remind myself, and I say “Is she really dead? Is my only sister really dead?” Weird. I just can’t. I just can’t feel this right now.

Sooooo lazy!

Well, yesterday I threw up all day, managed to make the kids dinner before M got home and then crashed at 8:30. I felt horrible. But, I had some really good sleep interrupted, ofcourse, by my need to pee three or four times during the night. M slept on the couch the entire night. When I feel sick, I hate to be touched and I like to have my own space. I’m glad that he gets me like that.

This morning, I laid on the couch and watched Dora with my little girl. Then, I made myself take a shower, do some laundry, put some laundry away and MAKE MY BED! (Woo hoo) I felt quite accomplished as I walked around my house in barefeet, listening to Bob Marley. It just felt like a Bob Marley kind of day. Although reggae makes me want to live on an island somewhere and that got me thinking about how I could figure out a way to, one day, live somewhere tropical.

I seriously HATE THE COLD. I mean, if it is cold outside, I won’t even go to the grocery store. How bad is that? I just despise cold weather. I really get mad at it. Oh well, back to Bob and more house cleaning. Until tomorrow….

Finding home.

Saturday morning started out with a huge slushy glass of Orange Juice, a big bowl of oatmeal and some veggie links. (I just can’t do meat anymore..not since I’ve been pregnant.)

I was a woman on a mission:I was officially “nesting.” You know that instinctive thing women do when they’re preparing for a new baby? After spending the entire day cleaning, organizing, shuffling, and throwing things away, I sat down on my couch and caught the beginning of one of my favorite movies ever: The Notebook. If you haven’t seen it, you have got to! It is a classic. It will make even unbelievers believe in love, want to love, want to be loved.

My hubby came home from work and took the kids to the gym, so the house was quiet, except for some sniffles from me. What a great love story. You know, she had a decision to make in the movie. She had to choose the man she was madly in love with, or the one who could provide best for her.

In the end, she went with her heart. At the end of the movie, the husband says my favorite line in the movie “Your mother is my home,” he says to his children- who want him to come back home. But he won’t leave his wife’s side. Which brings me to the subject of my husband…

He loves me like that.

No, he really does.

I don’t even know how he does it. It’s real. He will do anything for me. He treats me a way I don’t even deserve to be treated. Yeah, we get into arguments like every couple, but at the end of the day, he lets me know that I am his sweetheart. That I am his “home.”

This morning, I found a card on the counter top. Another love note telling me how much he thinks about me and loves me.

Sometimes I do not know what to do with the love. A normal person would, right? Well, he is the first person who ever really loved me. My mother did a great job in providing for me, but she never showed me any love. She never hugged me, never said “I love you.” I think she did love me, though I grew up not knowing what love felt like. And my dad, well he left. I never knew the love of a father. So, now I have the true love of a husband and sometimes, I just shut down because it still seems foreign to me somehow. Although, I am learning how to love him back.

There is nothing quite like finding home in another person. When I am with him, I am home. That’s how you know you’ve found that person…when you feel like you’re home.

Names, names, names…

Well, the girl’s name was set in stone. But, ofcourse, the baby is not a girl. And so we have a dilemma. We have an idea for a name, but it’s still just an idea. So, I thought I would ask for some help. I’d like to hear some ideas for some names, and then maybe I will take a poll.

This is beyond tragic. Here is a good article tha…

This is beyond tragic.

Here is a good article that talks about parents who kill their children, and even lists parents who have killed.

I Believe.

Lastnight, I was watching videos when this song came on. It blew me away; made me sob like a baby; made me feel all over again the loss of my sister and perhaps deeper than I have allowed myself to feel so far; made me take comfort in His arms.

I need this single.

Brooks & Dunn’s “I Believe.”

Old man Wrigley lived in that white house
Down the street where i grew up
Momma used to send me over with things
We struck a freindship up
I spent a few long summers out on his old porch swing

Says he was in the war when in the navy
Lost his wife, lost his baby
Broke down and asked him one time
How ya keep from going crazy
He said I’ll see my wife and son in just a little while
I asked him what he meant
He looked at me and smiled, said

(Chorus)
I raise my hands, bow my head
I’m finding more and more truth in the words written in red
They tell me that there’s more to life than just what i can see
Oh i believe

Few years later i was off at college
Talkin’ to mom on the phone one night
Getting all caught up on the gossip
The ins and outs of the small town life
She said oh by the way son, old man Wrigley’s died.

Later on that night, i laid there thinkin’ back
Thought ’bout a couple long-lost summers
I didn’t know whether to cry or laugh
If there was ever anybody deserved a ticket to the other side
It’d be that sweet old man who looked me in the eye, said

(Chorus)
I raise my hands, bow my head
I’m finding more and more truth in the words written in red
They tell me that there’s more to life than just what i can see

I can’t quote the book
The chapter or the verse
You can’t tell me it all ends
In a slow ride in a hearse
You know I’m more and more convinced
The longer that i live
Yeah, this can’t be
No, this can’t be
No, this can’t be all there is

(Chorus)
When I raise my hands, bow my head
I’m finding more and more truth in the words written in red
They tell me that there’s more to life than just what i can see
I believe
Oh, I
I believe
I believe
I believe
I believe
I believe

Yeah, I believe. I believe that I don’t understand the sad things in life, but that I understand the comfort of Him in my life. I believe.