Step sister.

I know everyone loves American Idol, but there is something so corny about it to me. (Just had to get that in there…)

Anyhoo- my job ROCKS! I absolutely love working in a big newsroom. I work alongside a myriad of names that I have been reading for years and how cool is that? And my hours? Please, I couldn’t ask for better hours:
9 a.m.-3 p.m. Sweeeeeeeet.

So, I used to think MySpace was corny, too. heh. But I ended up getting one and guess who I found? Or, who found me?

So, when I was 16, I went to live with my dead-beat dad at the insistence of his at-the-time wife. After about 6 months, I fell out with evil stepmother (as I used to call her.) When I got there, I immediatly clicked with my step sister who was two years younger than I. We were young. And crazy. We used to sneak out from the second story window- almost killing ourselves- and then we’d stay out all night, sneak back in around 6 a.m., change into our nightclothes and act like we had just waken up for a big bowl of cereal. heh. Yeah, we were sneaking out and hanging out with guys. We never did anything *bad*, we were just tasting freedom I guess.

So fastforward a year and her mom basically packed my bags for me and sent me back to Florida. I was so depressed. My own mother didn’t want me. My step mom hated me, and my dad just didn’t give a crap. Honestly, I just needed someone to love me unconditionally. The sad part is that I didn’t discover that in any of the adults around me; I found it in my friends and I found it in my step sister, Jessica, for a fleeting moment in time.

When I came back to Florida, I lost touch with Jessica. One day when I was about 20, I called her mom and asked for her number. “I’m sorry about all that stuff,” I said. “I just want to know if I could have Jessica’s number.”

“If I had it, I wouldn’t give it to you!” she screamed at me and hung up.

Well damn, I was thinking. I guess she still hates me, and honestly- I don’t even know what I did to her other than that I was a normal, crazy hormonal teenager. But I never stole her car or pawned her jewelry or gave away her dog or anything crazy like that. ~shrug~ Oh well.

And so that was it: we lost touch.

Over the years, I would google her name but I knew she was married so I had no idea how to find her under her married name. I even (don’t laugh) emailed the Tyra Banks show once asking for a reunion with Jessica. This was about six months after my sister died. I really wanted to reconnect with the only other person I ever really called sister. But, no response.

And so when I did MySpace, I scoured our old highschool page looking for her and nothing.

Until about a week ago. I get this message through my MySpace and it’s..JESSICA! I had been looking for this girl for about 15 years! I emailed her my number and she called me right back and it was like we were teenagers again. We talked easily for more than an hour.

The last time I saw this girl, I was boarding a plane- feeling like my world had just collapsed; feeling so let down by all the adults around me who were supposed to protect and love me. How funny that the only good thing I carried away from that experience was the friendship of a 14-year-old step sister.

And so yeah, that was many years and even more miles away. I figured one day I would go back to see her. But I don’t even have to do that. She lives ONE HOUR away from me, in Florida.

I love fate sometimes. And although no one in this world will ever replace Yelena, I feel like I have a sister again.

Plugged in.

Finally, I am plugged in- got my internet up and getting settled. So, I got the *big* job. Woo hoo! Tomorrow is my first day. A little nervous, but (and I know how bad this probably sounds) I am ready for baby Eli to make some new friends at day care.

So I wanted to recap my Valentine’s Day because I had been meaning to write about it for so long…

I am going to skip over the early-morning phone call I got from hubby. Okay, I’ll drop a little info. He calls me crying, sobbing, pretty much telling me that he will do whatever it takes to keep me. That was a good Valentine’s day surprise for me. I was thanking God for giving him a good smack in the face…lol.

That evening, I ran into an old friend of mine. This was actually my ex-best friend’s (remember the shoe store slut? Oops..did that just come out of my mouth?)- well, it was her brother. We chatted and I told him I would swing by his sister’s house. (His sister, you know..the shoe store….)Honestly, I have no hard feelings towards her..just because she slept with my boyfriend in the back of Payless where they worked together. (So, we’ll call her Payless.)How can even hold a grudge against a classy gal like that?

Really, I was over it a long time ago. I say what’s up when I see her but that’s where I leave it. So I went over to see her bro. He handed me a Smirnoff as soon as I stepped in the door. That was nice. We sat there and chatted for a few. Payless sparked up a blunt at her kitchen table and I stepped outside. (You know, I couldn’t really be around that, escpecially since I knew I was probably going to do a drug test pretty soon.)

It was freezing, as we sat there on the front porch. And we ended up talking about the only thing we really have in common these days: my little sis. It was dark and chilly. “You wanna go out there with me one day?” I asked him about the gravesite.

“For sure,” he replied. “When?”

“Now.”

“You serious?” (Ummm..yeah.)

And so we took the 10-minute drive to my sister’s grave. It was pitch black, sans the headlights that sliced through the thick fog. “Where is it?” he asked.

“You have to find the tree. She’s right in front of the tree.”

I pulled up as close as I could and shone the brights right on that tree.

We stepped out, trying not to step over any graves. “I don’t want to step on anyone,” he said, kind of chuckling.

“Right?” I was laughing, teeth chattering.

And then we stopped. Right at the foot of her grave- the laughter quieted and the silence became thicker than the fog. And my heart- it was heavier than the headstone that sat on top of the ground just above her silver casket.

I bent down and opened a tiny silver latch that revealed her picture. (The one taken the day she visited me in the hospital on her lunch break, just after Naomi was born.) My friend, Ed, bent down and dropped a single red rose.

We both stood back up and peered down.

I saw a lollipop and a roll of sweet tarts someone had left, and- for whatever reason- that made me cry. I imagined that someone came out there (maybe with their child) to drop of some of their Valentine’s day candy. And I lost it.

“You know, I never really talk about this,” I said- my voice trembling. “But that day she had the seizure, she was screaming for me. She kept screaming for them to get away and she kept saying over and over..I want my sister! I want my sister,”…

He took off his jacket and placed it around my shoulders.

…”And I didn’t do anything. I stood there and just looked at her because they were working on her and I was so scared. I didn’t want to get in the way. All she wanted was for me to hold her hand and I totally failed her. That is my biggest regret. I would give anything to go back in time and to just give her my hand.”

“You didn’t know. You were a great sister,” he said. “Don’t ever think differently.”

I bent down and wiped the tears from my hot face and rearranged the lonely red rose.

“I miss you. I wanted to hold your hand that day. I hope you know that.”

I stood and looked at him. He was already looking my way with his head down. We said nothing else and together walked away from her grave.

Yelena: I miss you, I love. I hold your hand in my heart everyday.

I am loving

my little hometown right now, and I have just figured out that this is *home* for us. (As far as I can tell.) I had my *BIG* second interview with the top dog of the big paper this morning at 11. It was very informal; in her office. Which I loved. I had envisioned a group of people scowling at me from behind their glasses, sitting around a huge cold conference table. It was everything but that. She was nice and warm and friendly. (But, nice and warm and friendly doesn’t = HIRED.)

So, now I wait. I emailed her to thank her for her time and she followed up with “It was nice meeting with you. You will be hearing from (Features Editor) shortly.”

Hmmmm…I can’t even read between those tiny two lines, so I am just waiting. I. hate. waiting. It takes too long!

My daughter on: Mommies

“Everybody says mommies have eyes in the back of their heads.”

(Me) “Oh yeah?”

“But why don’t I see eyes in the back of your head?”

If it weren’t for

Melissa reading my blog the moment I hit publish…

(Ahhh..Eli calls. To be continued tonight hopefully.)

Okay so as soon as I hit publish, Melissa tells her hubby about my dilemma. And he has apparently been in this situation a few times. (I love blogging for this reason.) He tries to call me but my phone is dead and so Melissa comments telling me that he is trying to call. I evenually call back (since I keep putting the phone call to the paper off) and he gives me some great advice. And in the midst of his talking, I hear it: I hear exactly what I need to do.

“Ask him when he needs a final decision; tell him you’d like to think it through to make sure you are making the right decision.”

So simple, and yet, so genius. Here I was about to lay it all out on the line when all I really need to say is that very simple thing. (Why do I always complicate things?)

“If he reallly wants you, he will totally respect that.”

And so I finally make the call with a weight off my shoulders. I am no longer thinking about how to explain to him my dilemma.

So I call.

“Well, Faithinflorida, we’d love you to come work for us!”

“I am definately interested in this opportunity, I just want to take a few days to make sure that I am making the right decision.”

“No problem at all,” he says. “I definately understand. And good news-one of my old reporters asked if she could fill in for a few weeks so I’m not as pressed.”

And then he goes on tell me how out of the whole pile, I was his top candidate; that he loves my attitude and my writing. And that he really hopes when I call him back, that my answer will be yes, but that he will understand if it’s no.

So it worked out per.fect.ly!

Funny thing is he was so excited about hiring me that I got really excited about the position…so even if the other doesn’t work out, I’ll be happy:)

I’m glad Melissa was reading… I was about to probably stick my foot in my mouth.

Thanks, Melissa:) Oh yeah, and hubby’s not half-bad either. hehe.

This is a hard one…

So, I interviewed for this job- a fulltime reporter position at a small weekly paper- and he basically called to tell me that I was his top candidate. (Ofcourse, I was- just kidding) He just wanted to give me some stories so that he could see how I work on deadline. And so I did them. I was just waiting to hear back from him when i got an email…

(So awhile back I emailed the top editor of the big, daily paper here, expressing my interest in this position as an education reporter. I sent him this long email telling him about myself, about how when I was a single mom- with a baby on my hip- I pushed through and got my college degree, never making less than a B. I heard from him briefly, but he never followed up. I figured I had given him too much info and that maybe he thought my email was a bit sappy.)

So on Saturday, I get this email. The top editor forwards my resume and my clips to the features editor. (FEATURES!…my first love.) I tell her that I have been interviewing with this other paper, and I think they are about to offer me the job.

So I interview with the features editor and she tells me how impressed she is. (This job is so exciting!) They want this person to basically develop a new features section for the paper. They have this huge vision of what this position can grow into. I was so excited.

So the guy at the other paper calls me tonight and I don’t answer. I think he’s about to offer me the job, but I’m kind of in limbo with this other job. So I call the features editor toget a feel for what they are thinking about me and she tells me she wants to get me in with the Managing Editor ASAP. (“I want you to impress her like you did me,” she tells me.)

Here’s the other thing: I am the only person interviewing for this position. The haven’t posted it at all. The top editor just happened to remember me (from my email) and before posting, they decided to talk to me about it.

So, here it is: 9:46 pm. The guy at the weekly is waiting for my call. He called me twice, in fact. I am at a crossroads, I guess. Do I go with the safe choice? Full time, benefits, salary? Or- since he needs to fill this position right away and probably can’t wait around for me to make a decision- do I take a leap of faith and turn him down in hopes of getting the other job?

If I turn him down, chances are I could not get this other job and then I would have no job. Arrrgh! This is a tough one…what if I end up getting neither position?Or what if the big paper wants to hire me and then the feel iffy about my background. CRAP. Then I will be so mad at myself. Journalism jobs around here are few and very far between.

And so he is waiting for my call…and I am doing what else? blogging. I have decided to tell him about my predicament. I am just so nervous. What if he hates me forever for wasting his time?! Do I ask for a few days to make my final decision? Oh man!! Well, by the time you read this my phone call with him will be OVER.

For now, I am watching the clock tick and I am trying to pick up my phone. (He’ll be in the newsroom until 1 am…but I need to get this over with.)

Seriously, I have never wanted to be turned down for a job so badly because then I wouldn’t have to make a decision. It would be out of my hands and then I would have no explaining to do. But I don’t think that it’s going to go that..he’s already put a lot of time into me. Crap. And remember, I have not held down a full time position since I have graduated. No, I have been at home raising my children…

And p.s.- the journalism community around here is very tight knit. I can’t get away with not telling him the truth. In fact, he was a reporter at the big paper for more than 20 years.

(It’s in your hands, God.)

Exhaling…

Went out with one of my best girlfriends on Friday night. And when I say went out, I mean we met for dinner. haha. I love being back in Florida! We sat on the deck of Friday’s and enjoyed some mudslides for me and martinis for her. Yummy.

So this is my “hot” girlfriend. The one that heads turn- both men and their girlfriends- when she walks by. I think it’s great, because everyone thinks she’s so hot (she was in Maxim lastmonth, Budweiser girl…) and I just see her as the silly girl I’ve known for years. So we’ll call her Maxim in this post.

Maxim is my girlfriend I met in church about 6 years ago. She left the church way before me, but we always always kept in touch. I always laugh when I think about the time when she wore this shirt to church that said “Kitten” on the front. It had a little picture of a kitten. While it was semi form-fitting, it was not tight at all.

Well, one of the church ladies pulled her over and told her she could not wear things like that because it was implying that she was a “sex kitten.” LMAO. And I remember how much that turned her off from church. She was almost crying and came to me about it. I told her, “Please girl! It’s just cause you’re hot. If it would have been any other random girl, no one would have even noticed that shirt. And had the church lady noticed that shirt on another girl, she would have probably said..”Oh, I see you are an animal lover.”

So that incident always stands out to me when I think about how judgmental the church world can be.

So we’re sitting out there enjoying drinks and this drunk guy sits down. “Hellloooo, I’m Luis.”

The GM comes over and literally lifts this guy out of his seat. “What’s your name, buddy?”

“Gunther.” (Gunther???LOL.)

“Gunther, it’s time to go. We’re cutting you off.”

The GM grabs his hand. “You’ve got a mighty healthy handshake, there, Dr. Phil,” drunk guy says and tries to sit back down.

“I’m just introducing myself to these young ladies.”

“Do you want me to throw you out? Don’t mess with my guests.”

Eventually, drunk guy begins walking away- while looking back and mouthing to us “come on over; join us.”

Well, what can I say? Welcome back to college town. Oh, and I got carded. Yippeee! In between all the drunk college kids walking by (and hitting on Maxim,) we were able to sit and talk about my sister, Maxim’s goals, her cancer scare (they may have to remove her uterus),our relationships (She literallly cried for me when I told her why I was back…)

*Exhaling*….It’s good to have my girlfriends back.

***

P.S.- Does anyone know if I can password protect a post with Blogger? I’d love to talk about what is really happening with my life. But I recently found out that more people than expected have been reading this blog- people who know me but are not close– eek! But for those of you who are close- even on the blog level- I’d love to tell it. Just not to the whole annonymous world.(That’s not going to happen.)

I am a giver…

those who know me well, know that is my heart.

I just wanted to say to all of my fabulous, faithful readers that I have not forgotten you. Your comments always mean so much to me, and I am sorry that I haven’t commented much lately on your sites. (Bad blogger!) So please do not think that I think it’s all about me, and that I do not care about what is happening in your lives.

As soon as I get settled, I will be back in full force. And settled will be in one week from tomorrow. (Insert applause here.) I found an apartment- not my sister’s old place- but I found one, yay!

So let me get hooked up and then I’ll be back. For now, I have been trying to log on to update and not much else. Can I just tell you how it feels to be 30 years old, living with my momma and my three kids. I’m feeling a little…ghetto. (I’ll use that word the way I want to, because I can already hear my anonymous readers getting ready…)

As you can see, I’m back to my chipper self:)

But here’s one last picture I’d like to paint for you: when your mother begins to offer you her prescription drugs (like, say VALIUM)..it’s time to leave. And NO, I did not take them.

True story, and I will fill you in later.

I just heard that Anna Nicole Smith was found dead…

I just heard that Anna Nicole Smith was found dead in a hotel room.

Aww, that’s so sad.

Mom, is Eli going to be straight when he grows up?

So Eli’s sitting in his high chair. I’m feeding him. And Naomi has a question for me:

“Mom, Is Eli going to be straight when he grows up?”

(You should have seen the look on my face.)

“What do you mean?”

“You know..Is he going to be straight?” (Umm..as opposed to what?)

“Well, what does straight mean to you?” (And at this point, I don’t know what is going to come out of her mouth.)

“Straight, like us. Is he going to not be bent over like that?”

hahahahahaha.

In other words, will he ever be upright? You know how babies are all scrunched over at the crawling stage..can’t quite stand straight up.

And instead of giving her a good answer at that moment, I say: “Go ask grandma and see what she says.”

I’m scooping out another mouthful of yummy bananas from the baby jar when she walks into the livingroom…”Grandma, is Eli going to be straight when he grows up?”

(I’m bad, aren’t I?)