Can’t. do. this.

What the hell was I thinking? I mean, four kids?! Today, on my way to work, I cried and then I felt guilty about my tears. And then I felt happy and then I felt sleepy. And then I felt hungry.  Yep, definitely prego!

What have I done?!

I love reading my blog – I mean, the memories I have captures through it. It is priceless, which is why I keep up with it.

Go check this post out. Well, I am going through it again. I feel like I just cannot do this again. But I have no choice.

I laid in bed ALL day. I watched like 4 movies in a row in between all the dry-heeves. Blech. And I hate watching movies. I watched Waiting to Exhale, and didn’t realize there were so many negative references to “white women.” It made me laugh/roll my eyes.

And here I am: white woman pregnant (with baby number 4) from a black man.

Every time there was a line about a white girl, I could just hear his family, who I cannot stand. “You know that white girl don’t want yo’ ass.”

Yeah, they’re right. That whole wedding thing was just for show, and the kids…that was just to really convince people. I figured that four would really do the job. heh.

What is the thing between white and black women when it comes to white women being with black men? I don’t really get it (and it’s okay if you don’t want to comment, because this one is such a touchy subject…I’m sure I’ll get some hate-email.)

But it seems to really drive black women crazy (and I am not speaking in general terms, just from what I have seen..between his family and other women I have known.) But then what about when black women are with white men? I never hear anyone say anything about that. I never hear white guys just so pissed off about it.

I mean, if a guy leaves you…why is it worse if he leaves you for a woman of a different color? I never could understand that one. I once heard a black woman say (yes, in front of me) that “I’d rather him leave me for a man than for a white woman.”

That was from the mouth of my black girlfriend who wanted to hate me because, as she put it, “I hate white people…they’re evil.” But, she ended up loving me because I just didn’t give a crap. After a while, I think the whiteness was too much. lol.

Wow. This post just ended up in a random direction. I love when that happens.

I walked into work Wednesday morning and my co-worker, the guy who sits right across from me (we are basically face-to-face), said this to me:

“I figured I’d tell you before you heard it from anyone else…they are letting me go.”

“What?!”

I thought I had heard him wrong. He has been working at the paper for more than 30 years as a reporter. He has watched people’s babies have babies. His co-workers are like family. And he was totally caught off guard.

Tuesday, he was showing off a picture of his newly born grandson, and the next day, they are letting him go.

“Why would they do that? You have been here forever.”

“Well, I think that’s the problem.”

So I don’t really know all the details but he seems to think that they seem to think that it could be much cheaper to hire someone just out of school to do the same job he does. His last day is Aug. 15. Can you imagine being 57 and your whole world changes. I think he was pretty much side swiped.

Man, that sucks.

mombl*g dot g@inesville dot com

Go read about the day I found out I was prego.

Thanks for your support!!! And leave ur comments there, not here, thanks.

This is why…

 

 

I was crying over my scrambled eggs yesterday. Right now, I am crying over my keyboard. We were trying to AVOID this. (Although, I already love you little one.)

 

Feeling restless

I feel bleh today. I cried over my scrambled eggs and had to abandon my brunch for my bedroom where I cried and cried my eyes out like a little baby. I hid under my blanket and in-between sobs, I thought to myself: I really do like this comforter.

And then my husband walked in.

Handing my emotions over to him is like… well, asking Eli to write my first column. He never knows what to do with me, and so he always just gives me a hug and listens.

I guess he does know what to do with my emotions afterall.

I wish I could go into my crazy emotions without sounding like a crazy woman, but I don’t know if I can. I told my husband that I felt like a step-child my whole life. Like I was never number one. It began from my childhood when my mother made it known that I wasn’t really wanted.

I’ll go into that another day. Maybe.

And I feel like that feeling has followed me my whole life. Even at work, I am on a contract that could be torn up any day. I am not a “real” worker with real benefits. Man, it sucks.

But I have to keep reminding myself what a great position it is and that I need to be patient and thankful. Those two things are hard to master when you feel like you are being treated like the red-headed step child.

Although, I think that feeling is just my past creeping itself into my daily life. They don’t really treat me like that, but then again there is that voice in my head that says otherwise.

And then there is wordpress. We haven’t really clicked. Commenting has become a hideous chore, where I have to comment anonymously b/c most people are on blogspot. I wanted my blogspot address back just to find that someone had registered it! Who would do that and why? It’s not even a real blog!

I feel like I go in circles…driving myself crazy until things are just perfect. But, you know what’s hard about that? Things usually are never perfect.

A fellow blogger in need…

of some words, some prayer, something…

Go read her. 

Help!

Okay, I don’t know who reads but I am hoping, by some chance, that the right person in my area will come across this.

Rocco needs a home! Yes, my kids have already named this cat, which means I have very little time to get rid of him! We already have two cats and really can’t afford this little guy. He is 8 weeks old, litter trained, great with kids and very social. He loves to lay in my lap and purr and purr and purr. He would make a great family pet! And I am desperate! Anyone interested can email me at faithinfloridablog@yahoo.com

God’s face

Two nights ago, I had the coolest dream! I had opened these French doors to see the world – everything was covered in green vines. They were actually quite beautiful. I went to step outside and I noticed a thorn. And then I saw that there were actually many thorns beneath the beautiful plants.

And then I felt someone standing behind me.

I turned around and I immediately knew who he was.  “You’re God?”  I asked him.

“Yes.” He was smiling.

I looked as hard as I could because I knew I was dreaming and I wanted to make sure I could really see and remember his face. He was the most beautiful color – almost like if you mixed all of the c0lors together of all the people in the world. He was like a caramel brown. And his eyes were the same – some sort of combination of colors… not too dark, not too light…almost greenish, greyish.

He was tall, lean and strong.

And he said one thing to me before I woke up:

“If you come closer to me, I will come closer to you.”

Baby’s first birthday

We finally celebrated baby’s birthday at one of my favorite places in the world, at Blue Springs. We had planned for days and promised the kids that we would spend an entire day at the Springs, also one of their favorite places in the world.

And so as I stepped out the door with bags packed and car crammed with children, I was severely disappointed when I looked up to see a dark sky. And then thunder. And then lightning. And then pelting rain.

Ah man!!!

Well, what else could we do, but be crazy and head on over? Well, we can stand under the pavilions, right? I just couldn’t be the one to tell the kids that our plans were ruined. And so, I glared up at the sky and shook my fists (kidding) and said to the kids, “It IS going to clear up and we ARE going!”

Yays all around. Except for the baby, he was probably crying at the moment.

We made it to Blue Springs and found a nice pavilion, which we settled neatly under, considering the rain was pouring down. My brother and his pregnant, cute wife showed up. And then my other brother and his cute, pregnant wife showed up, too. Everyone was armed with food and grilling supplies.

And then what do you think happened?

I won.

I won the weather war.

The skies cleared up and for the next 5 hours, we had the most beautiful day under a clear, blue sky with the sun smiling down on us. There was tons of food – burgers, dogs, chips, potato salad, fruit – and carrot cake.

That was for the baby, although you know who picked that up, right? We sang happy birthday to a filthy, sand covered, potato slathered baby who smiled as about 10 people gathered around and sang happy birthday. He clapped and kind of looked at us like we might be crazy.

The truth is, we might be.

But, I am okay with that. I couldn’t believe the day turned out so beautifully. On the way home, everyone fell asleep except for me, uh, because I was driving. And so I got to crank up my Eagles – the CD only mom listens to, but also the music that will play in the background of my children’s memories when they are themselves parents.

“I like the way your sparkling earrings lay, against your skin so brown and I want to sleep with you in the desert tonight with a million stars all around.”